first times

hearing a song for the very first time and learning how to sing it

I wish I could read Just Kids by Patti Smith for the first time again. I remembered hysterically sobbing on my dark green living room couch, flipping through the last pages of the book and hoping it wasn’t the ending I had anticipated. It hurt me so good in all the best ways.

I wish I could see Cindy Lee perform live again for the first time. It was 2023, and I remembered only having listened to one of her songs before the show. I was in the front row, enthralled and awestruck by the synth and her voice. I would’ve cried thinking back at it now, but I don’t think I did then.

I remembered seeing a shooting star for the first time. It looked so fake, I stared longingly into the lit-up sky for another one. I had forgotten what I wished for that night, lying down with my first boyfriend on the tennis court in my hometown. But I’ve made many wishes for the dead fallen stars since then. Then again, I probably mistook a satellite for one.

I remembered seeing snow for the first time at the age of 13, arriving in December in the country where my family and I had immigrated. I couldn’t believe how underwhelming the snow felt on my rosy cheeks. I couldn’t recall what I’d expected, but I was disappointed.

I’ve had many firsts in my late teens and early twenties, and throughout my entire life. I hold onto these first times like it’s all I have. I swallow the moments moving past me. And I savour every moment like it was our first. And I do it so often that I have practically memorized your face by heart. Before I get lost in this, I’ll take it back to the many firsts. Every moment in my life is cherished and kept locked in my memory; I’ll take the first as special as every moment after it. I keep holding onto these first times because I’m terrified of forgetting how it felt to be moved, to be held, to be seen, and because repeating the feeling is the closest thing I have to keeping love and life from leaving me. Approaching the new year has given me lots of time to reflect on all the firsts, despite having gone through it all, again and again.

It is as though I’m hearing a song for the very first time and learning how to sing it. The first listen, the song left me speechless. The same song left me curious. Listen to it again. The first time, the song felt like a warm hug. Same damn song. The first time, it made me fall in love. The first time, it made me cry. The first time the song wiped my teary eyes. Again and again. The first time the song and I had seen each other eye-to-eye. The first time the song witnessed my heart break. The first time, it walked me through the end of the Earth. It is as though I’m hearing a song for the very first time and learning how to sing it.

happy holiday! take care of your body, make a pot of tea, and snuggle up with your best buddies. muah

xo j